I was reading a book as usual (a romance, of course) and it was the story of a woman who was raped and how she met someone who interested her after her marriage ended. Her marriage wasn’t good and the sex wasn’t either, but with this new guy she had feelings — and she said “I have feelings … down there … that I’ve never had and it scares me and excites me.”

All I could think of was that was what I wanted. When I met that football player in August, I had those feelings and all he did was hold my hands and fondle my fingers. But I was squirming from it. Before that, I hadn’t had those types of feelings in too many years to count. And, I realized when I say I wanted a connection with someone, it was those feelings down there that I wanted. When I say I felt no connection, I guess I’m saying he didn’t give me feelings down there.

I hate meeting new people because I absolutely beat the hell out of myself after I do. If he likes me, I wonder why. If he says I’m wonderful, it brings back painful memories of my last relationship. He said I was wonderful and amazing and when he ended it, I asked what happened to his thinking I was so wonderful and amazing and he said, “I got to know you better.” That beat the hell out of my self-esteem and ego and it took me a long time to recover. I did, and was doing better, but then I got into a rut and can’t seem to get out of it. I have a mirror and know what I look like and harbor no illusions about having looks, so when a guy says I’m attractive, I wonder why he’s lying to me. Godnose he’s not after my wonderful body.

Then there is this guy I’ve clicked with sexually online. We talk about other things but he said something to me a few weeks ago and since then I’ve been pretty frisky and can’t stop thinking about it/him. Unfortunately we’ll never meet, and even if we did, I don’t think an old fat chick is what he wants anyway.

It seems when I find someone I want, I can’t have them, and those I don’t want always want me.

Then there is the whole hair thing. Let’s face it, most guys aren’t into hairy women. Those that are generally like hair in one area, maybe they’ll like hairy pits, but anything else isn’t a turn-on to them. I get tired of fighting to be who I am, ya know?

Oh well, Shrek is on tonight and I definitely need a really, really good cry.

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 30th, 2007 at 4:38 pm and is filed under Life In General, Men, Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.