Why? I wanted to go away this weekend on a mini vacation. I really need to get away, I’m majorly stressed and it’s not getting better, each morning is worse and worse. I had planned it this weekend, but no, Joel decided he didn’t want to go. I don’t even remember why, just he said maybe we shouldn’t go.

The thing is, he gets away from work and all the stress every night and every weekend, where I deal with it constantly as the computer is always here, the phone is always ringing.

Next weekend is out and so is the following weekend, as I have the laser appointment then.

Anyone want to go away for a weekend?

So, I think I think too much. See?

I’ve been analyzing why I’m so insecure. Most of it has been because of what I’ve been told, i.e. I’m not attractive. Then I compare myself to other women, and I agree. For years it was put into my head I wasn’t attractive. Let’s face it, society says hairy women are not attractive, are not desirable, etc.

Then along came Joel, and he told me I was beautiful. No, I’m not, but to him I was, and it gave me a new confidence about myself. I’m told I was smiling more, I was happier, and I know I had a spring to my step. I FELT pretty and sexy when I was with him.

Then, for about 6-8 weeks or so, he hasn’t said that. So, now I find myself feeling very insecure, very self conscious, and thinking about all the reasons.

Should we allow others to dictate how we feel about ourselves?

… just really need a hug? I sure have for the past few days *sigh*. This laser stuff really took a lot out of me emotionally, and I don’t think it’s something anyone can understand unless they’ve been through it. I’m still very torn over the decision, partly the pain aspect of it.

I’ve also come to the realization that I have very unrealistic expectations where a relationship is concerned, and I’m just too damned romantic for my own good. I hurt, and I can’t change my feelings like *that* (finger snap sound here).

That’s how I feel. There isn’t one single thing, it’s a matter of a lot of little things that are bothering me.

First is the laser stuff. When I used to say I wanted to have it, Joel would look pained, and say not to, then always say do what makes you happy. Now he says go for it, since he’s already experienced it. Obviously the fantasy was great but the reality was disappointing.

So, I’m torn over having it or not.

There are a lot of other things bugging me, I think I just need a long vacation or a few really good nights of sleep.

I’d be all for it if you could prove to me it would stop child porn or stop under 18 year olds from looking at porn. If I had software for age verification on all my sites, what is to stop Johnny 13-year-old from lying about his age?

What about a PARENT supervising their kids?????

Plan to Tax Adult Internet Companies Revealed
By Rhett Pardon
Wednesday, July 27, 2005

WASHINGTON — Targeting those who are “profiting by exploiting children and promoting irresponsible and obscene behavior,” Sen. Blanche Lincoln, D-Ark., on Wednesday announced a regulatory assault on the online adult industry with legislation that would impose a 25 percent excise tax on all adult transactions.

Lincoln’s rally to support the new legislation is tied to a study by advocacy group Third Way, whose report exposes statistics linking children to online adult websites. The report’s release coincides with Lincoln’s announcement Wednesday morning in Washington.

Third Way’s report claims that children between the ages of 12-17 are the largest viewers of Internet pornography, and the average age at which children are first exposed to online pornography is 11 years of age.

“The Internet has become our new American Main Street, and it’s literally transforming the experience of growing up in America in a way much different from the way parents of today grew up,” Lincoln said.

“Many Internet service providers have taken significant steps to provide parents with tools to protect their children from inappropriate material online and they should be commended,” Lincoln said. “But sadly, many adult-oriented websites in today’s online world are not only failing to keep products unsuitable for children from view, but are also pushing those products in children’s faces. And it’s time that we stand up and say, ‘enough is enough.’”

Lincoln’s legislation, called the Internet Safety and Child Protection Act of 2005, has three objectives:

Force Online Adult Companies to Pay the Costs of Child Protection
The Internet Safety and Child Protection Trust Fund would be financed by a 25 percent excise tax on all online adult transactions.

Requires Age Verification
Online adult websites would be required to use software to verify the age of users attempting to access their websites. Online merchants, banks and credit card companies could not process payment transactions that are not age verified. The FTC would issue and enforce those regulations.

Establish an Internet Safety and Child Protection Trust Fund
The fund would centralize and coordinate the allocation of federal resources in support of efforts on the part of law enforcement and others to combat Internet and pornography-related crimes against children.

Original cosponsors of Lincoln’s legislation include Sens. Tom Carper, D-Del.; Mark Pryor, D-Ark; Mary Landrieu, D-La.; Joe Lieberman, D-Conn.; Debbie Stabenow, D-Mich.; and Ken Salazar, D-Colo.

Companion legislation also was introduced Wednesday in the U.S. House of Representatives by Rep. Jim Matheson, D-Utah and Rep. Robert Menendez, D-N.J.

Why are we attracted to specific characteristics in the opposite (or same) sex? I was at the Toyota dealership yesterday, waiting, and a man came in. At a quick glance I’d say he was 6′2″ or so, but I never really checked out his body. I saw his goatee, a gorgeous thick goatee, and was hooked. He also hadn’t shaved the rest of his face in 2/3 days, so had the George Michael look going on. I was utterly fascinated and a little turned on.

I recently received a photo of someone, and he had a beard, one of those 7-beards that’s not really bushy but not George Michael either — in between. That, jeans and a ballcap and I was hooked. That’s EXACTLY the look that turns me on.

Why?

I’ve never been one to fall for looks, and good looking men intimidate the hell out of me, and I never judge anyone on looks. But — why do dark-haired men attract me, why does that George Michael look make me nuts, why do goatees trip my trigger?

I’ve never analyzed why certain things turn me on, as I’m afraid what I may find out about myself.

But — do you ever wonder “why”? Why you like redheads? Why you like bigger breasts? Bigger butts? Hairy bushes? Hairy pits? etc etc etc?

It’s sunny out, but they say snow showers soon, and I have to go out in it. Yuck.

Feeling somewhat unsettled today. Lots going on in my head today. A little pissed at Brian for forgetting about me, because I really did need that time with him, to talk about the military, and relax. A little pissed at David’s aloofness, maybe pissed is the wrong word. Pissed at “j” with his car problems and no, he’s not Bushguy (for the person who thought it was). Bushguy isn’t making me wait 2 weeks, I’m too busy next week and the week after with home improvement and can’t move some things around. A little pissed at readynwilling for blowing me off. A little pissed at Peter for showing interest in me (don’t ask) when he knows my focus is elsewhere. A LOT pissed at Sean for not doing my web work and really leaving me a fucking mess of broken sites.

Unsettled. Uhm, ok, so maybe that’s the wrong word. Out of sorts may be better. This weekend is going to be crazy, I have a ton of work and since my designer has resurfaced, I may be able to launch 2 new sites — finally.

Still stressed but hell, that’s my life, right?

Still not sure why, probably a combination of everything going on in my life right now. A small part of me is hurt that John didn’t contact me again, if I’m honest with myself. Brian probably had to work today, but an email would have been nice. Hell, a hug this morning would have been nice!

I think I realized why I stopped posting on my own military site — no one to flirt with. The one guy who really talked to me out there has left (deployed for a while) so there is no one to pay attention to me. Sad, isn’t it? I realized it when I posted — against my better judgment — and had fun, because someone was paying attention to ME. Wonder how many other women would be honest enough to admit that? Oh sure, I’m pissed at how judgmental the people there can be, after the board pretty much attacked me for being so open minded. But, I’d rather be open minded than walk around like I have a stick up my ass on every subject.

Debating whether to call about the laser treatments — the phone number is right here on my desk. Do I go for something that can potentially be very embarassing (the hair has to grow out for them to remove it, which I can’t do in reality) or do I go for something that could potentially change my entire life?

C’mon, all of you who email me after I post here, have the gonads to register and post yourself. You can grab a tossaway email account (Yahoo or Hotmail) if you’re worried about confidentiality. But sheesh, eventually people are going to tire of hearing my rambing thoughts.

Damn, what a day, non-stop running of errands, then home to work and try to catch up which I never can do.

Got the seal of approval from Eddie today for Bushguy! Eddie is my true soulmate, and we share a passion for husky hairy guys, so I knew he’d love Bushguy …. oh, yeah, the only thing coming between Eddie and I getting together is a husband — HIS! (and one who DOES not appreciate what he has in Eddie). Eddie is SO damned sexy he makes my teeth ache, and now he has this amazing goatee that makes him SO fuckable!! LOL man, am I gonna get it for saying that!! Too bad I wasn’t home when he called so I could hear his sexy Southern drawl …. but I’ll be home tomorrow morning and all day Wednesday *hint hint* to both Eddie and Bushguy

Yeah, I’m rather feisty right now

Speaking of being gay — last night in chat a lesbian came in and said she saw my profile, she loved it, and asked if I was interested. I didn’t say no, I said not at this time, but you never know what the future will bring. She said she’d remember that and I blew her a kiss!

Now, most women would have FREAKED out and gone wacko over this, but me — I was flattered. Truly.

It made me think of how women who join the chat room are greeted by the other women, and we often hug each other. Can you imagine if a guy joined and another guy hugged him? Why is there so much fucking homophobia in this world? Someone asked me what kind of guy I liked today, and now I have the perfect answer — one who will hug another guy and not freak out and act like he’s going to get cooties.

Stressful day from hell. Ran into major problems with moving the military site, spent hours redoing things I’d done this morning and trying to recreate things. I definitely feel like I need a vacation for a few days.

Nothing from Brian, and he’d better not stand me up, this damned computer is taking up way too much room in my office here! I can use a few hours away just sitting over coffee and talking, too. If he can’t make it, I’m still going to take at least an hour and just park at the beach and veg out. I can feel my stress level is up way too high at this point.

Nothing from David, and I’m pretty worried now. Sean, bless his soul, sent one pithy email but hasn’t fixed my sites …. I need to take away his butt plugs for a while

Couple of emails from Bushguy, still no plans to meet. That’s probably contributing to my stress levels. A big part is holiday depression, too. I’m trying to put that on the back burner but it’s always in my mind.

I’ve hooked up with a new photographer who has some amazing images of hairy women, so hopefully things are looking up in that area.

Shrek is on tonight and I’m watching bits and pieces of it. I can SO relate to the characters in that movie — Shrek and Fiona — it brings tears to my eyes. No one understand but me, but no one lives my life.

Oh, I’ll be putting up another website soon — yes, Summer, I know, I said no more new sites and I’d cut back — but I have this awesome idea for a military dating website. It may be up in a week ….. depends on my designer. He has to do the BBW lingerie store, the how-to-give-oral-sex-deep-throat website (aha, you didn’t know about that one!) plus this other site I’ve been wanting to put up for months, it has more than 550 links to FREE paysites for you!

I just don’t get it. These people act like body hair has cooties and you’re diseased or something. Sheesh, it’s just hair. It’s normal and natural. These guys DROOL over silicone-enhanced breasts that look so horrible, yet see natural body hair and think it’s gross.

I can understand most men not liking facial hair on women, as they see it as masculine. Yeah, it hurts, too, but I understand how they feel. I can even understand men not liking hairy legs, as they can be viewed as masculine as well. But hairy underarms, or a natural bush?

I was reading the old emails I recieved on Hair To Stay today, with these people telling me to kill myself for being so hairy — and the funny thing is they’ve never seen my photo, they just saw a photo of a model (Laura) that said ‘THIS IS NOT PAM WINTER’.

It’s really appalling.

Gloomy day in more ways than one.

Did you ever look at your life and wonder how you can keep fucking it up so badly? Or wonder what you did in a previous life that was SO bad to have so much pain in this one?

Yeah, one of those type days here today. Reflecting on the past, mentally flogging myself .

To me — YES! See, I mentioned readynwilling, and someone emailed to ask me how I could have cyber sex with him if I was interested in Bushguy. Uhhh, I didn’t have cybersex with readynwilling. I flirted heavily with him, big difference. We weren’t private, it was in an open chat room. For all I know, Bushguy could have been there under another name! I’m a natural flirt, and online or on the phone, it really comes out. Man or woman, doesn’t matter! Readynwilling is great to tease, because we’re on the same wavelength sexually and we feed off each other. And, hell, he makes me feel good when he tells me how sexy I am, or that I’m a dream woman.

But, I’d never go and have a private chat with him, and I don’t cyber. To me, cybersex IS cheating. If you’re in a relationship, you should not have to have cybersex with someone. If you can’t share your fantasies with your partner, something is wrong. Now, let’s say Bushguy and I get together, and he’s not into something I fantasize about — would I then try to find someone on line to cyber with for satisfaction? Hell no!

I strongly believe in monogamy, and while our ex-President may have said a blowjob isn’t sex, I disagree.

So, is cybersex cheating, to you?

*brrrr* It’s about 26 degrees out and damn, I’m cold inside, too! Slept so-so, wish I could sleep for 8 hours without interruption for a change.

Still craving Chinese food but am not sure if I’m going to get any.

SO, what is the one thing a hair lover can say to a hairy woman to make her melt? “I want to get to know you, the cool person, not the hairy woman. The hair isn’t important”.

Ladies, wouldn’t that just make you melt? It did to me! Takes away 80% of the worry that you’re too hairy, or not hairy enough, etc.

Each day I realize more and more how much of a romantic I am, I put a romantic spin on everything. I see snow and think of sharing it with someone special, of cuddling up and watching it fall down. I see rain and think of walking in the rain, holding hands, sharing wet kisses. Last night in the chat room some guy was talking about wanting a casual fuck, and all I could say was, “gee, all I want is a hug”. I then told him I could easily find someone to fuck me, but I wanted more, I wanted all the bells and whistles. One woman understood what I was saying — I want the feelings, the emotion, the kissing, the touching, the cuddling, the foreplay, etc. Otherwise I may as well just use a toy, it’s the same empty feeling when you’re done.

I know, I know, this attitude isn’t getting me any, but I’d really rather just do myself than have some meaningless sex. Maybe if I were a guy I’d feel different, or maybe if I was horny as I was in my early 30’s (still didn’t get any) but now? Now I want it all and I won’t settle for less

Hold me back. WHY do men think that being a fat woman is the worst thing in the world??? When they make fun of a woman, FAT is always the word they use. WHY?? Don’t fat people deserve love, too?

I have this website, a military chat board, and I no longer post, I haven’t in months, because the people are so damned judgmental it’s disgusting. They all have sticks up their asses and anyone with a difference of opinion is attacked and repeatedly called names. Yes, the board is made up of grown-ups but you’d never know it to watch them name calling. It’s so bad that people who view the board ask me why so and so is such an asshole.

Yesterday a woman made a post no one liked, so of course they had to make fun of her and call her names, and post pictures of a very very large woman and saying it was her. WHY????? Granted, the woman has some pretty strong opinions, but isn’t this a free country? Shouldn’t she be allowed to say what she feels without people posting pics of larger women, pics and cows??

Many of the hairy women I talk to all say they love a man with a hairy chest. I know I’ve always been attracted to men with facial hair, though any body hair on a man is extremely attractive to me. Sometimes I wish I’d never said that, because often I’ll hear from a customer who is interested but says, “sorry, Pam, I’m not hairy”. ARGH. I’m not THAT superficial, really. Yes, it’s a turn on, but since to me most of sex is in the brain, I don’t need the hair.

Since I’ve lost 80% of my body hair, it’s not fair of me to expect my partner to have body hair.

But damn, the feeling of a whiskered chin rubbing on your breasts, over your belly, on your thighs ……….. if I could find a man who could appreciate that, my life would be perfect, huh?

No, I have not gone off the deep end. Bear with me on this, okee?

See, a few weeks ago I realized that my entire life I was searching for a specific type of man, and would not ’settle’ for less. I then had the realization that the knight in shining armour was not going to come up on his white steed and rescue me. So, I made some major decisions in my life, and those have greatly contributed to my recent happiness.

Now, all you guys look for hairy women, no? Some of you won’t even date a woman unless she has hairy forearms, or hairy pits, or whatever. Do you know how much you’re missing out on? I met someone who was not the physical type I look for — he wasn’t 6′4″, he wasn’t 260, he didn’t have a goatee. And, I was still incredibly attracted to him. I was glad to realize I wasn’t so superficial!

My housekeeper came in today and told me I looked much happier. My mother saw me and said I looked much happier. Eddie called and said I sounded happier, and more confident.

Damn.

They’re right. Meeting John last week was a huge confidence booster because he still wanted to see me again after meeting me. Still not sure if he’ll email again, but if not, it’s really ok, I won’t feel rejected like I did when he didn’t email for 4 days and I wanted to castrate all men! I hate being SO needy, but sheesh, a guy needs to email more than once in 4 days and say “hi”, ya know? When I told him I wanted someone to treat me special, I didn’t mean just in bed. But, I don’t quite know how to say to him, “hey, more conversation in email would be a good thing and jeez, some hugging would be nice, too”.

Oh, he’s interested, to my surprise. Each brings different things to the table, but if I put it out of a sexual perspective, the second one I’m much more compatible with as we can talk easily. The other isn’t much of a talker or a communicator. Neither is much on making me feel super special via email, but this is also very new, too.

But not being obsessed with the hair, oh man, that’s SO refreshing. And that’s why I met each, and why I hadn’t met anyone previously for 6-8 years. All the others were just obsessed with the hair. These two weren’t concerned — #1 said it would turn him on when I mentioned it in an odd place (though I’m not sure I totally believe that, he didn’t exactly jump for joy when he saw it, it was just there) and #2 basically said it wouldn’t matter, though I didn’t give him too many specifics.

Yes, that wise woman gave me some good advice and I’m following it, though am a tad uncomfortable not revealing all.

But, in retrospect, I’ve always used the hair as a wall as it would keep the men away and I’d not be hurt. I think it’s a defense mechanism (wow, Pammie thinking deep at 7 am) I used and it worked.

While I’m still a diehard romantic at heart, I’m much too jaded at this age to believe in falling in love, forever, etc. Just having someone to talk to, to share things with, to listen to and someone to make me smile would be enough.

But damn, #1 did rub my big belly and say “I love your belly” and a guy like that does not come along every day!!

So, last week, as you know, I bit the bullet and met someone for coffee. He’s the first one I’ve met in 6-8 years, and I was REALLY nervous. But, it went ok, and I felt that sexual spark between us. No, Pammie did not get laid! (A few kisses, though). I met him again today and no, I did not get laid! Nice guy, but a little too far away for me really, I need someone closer than 90 minutes away. Not really sure if I’ll see him again, I went away feeling somewhat unsettled. He’s not a talker at all, not someone who shares his feelings about anything, doesn’t call and emails have a few words at best. Y’all know how much of a communicator I am.

SO …. swing to this afternoon. I met someone for coffee! I was nervous meeting this one, though not as much as I thought I’d be … maybe because we’d talked on the phone at length and in email.

Cute guy and made me feel very comfortable right away — none of that awkwardness that can happen. We were talking for nearly 3 hours and I swear I could have talked to him about 30! Very very easy to talk to! Perfect gentleman (godnose he’d been warned) and the most he did was hold my hand, though it was just to warm it up (I was ice cold due to nerves) but that felt really really good. Y’all know how much of a cuddlebunny and toucher I am. He is more open about his feelings about things and I didn’t feel like I was walking on glass when asking him questions, either. Will I see him again? I believe so — when I was talking to him and made a comment like “if you saw me again” and he said “not if. when”. Wow. I didn’t make the comment to get a reaction at all (it truly was part of a conversation) but the answer was — wow. Hehe, that’s all I can say — wow.

Oh, the best part? Neither is a hair lover. The first does prefer a woman not shave below but accepts it everywhere else. The second basically feels the same, that it’s the person that matters and not something like hair that would get in the way. Sorry, guys reading this, but this is really refreshing, to not deal with someone obsessed with the hair. Neither asked me how hairy I was, where the hair was, how long, how thick, etc. They just accepted me as I was. Yeah, neither is aware of the full spectrum or scope, but I’m taking the advice of a wise woman and not sharing every tidbit about the hair.

Seems like Pammie is finally breaking down a few walls.

Wow, indeed.

I know we don’t but …. why does society say so? Every time I read comments by men about hairy women, they talk about how smelly women who don’t shave are. Women who shave say they don’t smell anymore. I have to wonder about the hygiene issues with these people. I mean, face it, if people smelled just because they were hairy, wouldn’t virtually every man have an underarm odor?